another year... it is another year for me to live as a human.
i hv been human for so many years, and yet still not satisfy. too many things happen to me, and those never truely make me happy.
since the last break up until now, the broken pieces of my heart hardly recover, and i hardly make a smile...
i hv a feeling that girls can hardly be trusted before, maybe her betrayal cause me to think like that, however thats how i feel b4, now i dun anymore, so dun misunderstand me k?
until now, i stil keep the feeling that no one truely understand me more than 50% in this world, and i really wish someone can understand me well. i hv been living a lonely and unhappy life for long time, not totally be like that lah, but honestly i really need someone...
i feel relief that there is a girl started to light up my life. she understand me very well, she always care about me, she always support me, cheer me up, giving advice in everything i do, giving me opinion in every decision and always on my side... she turn my sad side to the happy side, she always use her kind voice to support me when im at the edge of giving up, she always make me feel touched and make me cry in smile, she love me... to me she is so perfect to me, i feel really happy that she promise to stick with me always...
i can choose to tell everyone that i already found my true love, i can tell everyone that she is a very nice girl, i can tell everyone that she is pretty, i can tell everyone one that we always hang out together, althought they cannot c any clue that we are together...
i can also tell we go out shopping, cinema, dinner and hold hands. i can tell that she always share fun and jokes with me, and we always smile to each other when something stupid happen between us, i can also say we share every moment together, happy, sad, hard time, and more... we share almost the same feeling...
although im always alone, i can pretend that there is someone beside me always, when i walk alone in shopping mall, i can feel that we are holding hands, and when she c things she like, she will sure keep pushing me to check out the stuff, i can c she enjoy looking at them,
most of the time she like cake, candy, soft toy and all the stuff that interest her, she sure will feel happy and keep pointing to me those cute cute stuff, and smile to me saying they are pretty and cute, she looks really childish but cute like this, it shows to me that she really wan them. she also like most of stuff that i like, this make me feel that at least got someone share same interest with me, when i go c my stuff in shop she point to me those stuff i like, coz she know what i like, really feel happy on the moment she do it in cute way^^. however, i really feel sorry for her that... i cannot get most stuff that she like for her, she tell me its ok, no need to feel guilty for that, coz she feel enjoy looking them is already enough for her, coz she understand that, she can never get them for now... her reason somehow makes me cry...
she is such a caring person to me, everytime i come back from class to hostel, i feel really tired like shit. however i wont feel that anymore when she welcome me back and she will say she understand how tired i am and encourage me to cheer up, dun feel so down, she hold my hands and make a smile to me when she say that, and at this moment, my tired face turn into a pleasant smile...
she do the same thing also when i feel tired of study and other things, she is so nice to be like this, i really feel touched...
when i feel sad, she will be there for me, holding my hands, look at me and encourage me, cheering me up with her kind voice, clean away my tears and even hug me, and say dun worry, everything will be fine...
we do hv quarel a few times in some disagreements, sometimes i wil be stubborn to keep my way and reject her advice. but in the end, i wil apologies to her for my mistakes, and she understand and forgive me with silly conditions, such as buying snacks for her.
all the time we are together, she never stop encourage me to improve myself in every aspect, i will do as her wish to make myself a happy person and never emoing anymore, be friendly and crazy with friends. i wish i can be with her 4ever, but i know that cannot be true, she also want me to find a true person to love, but she is too perfect for me, how can i let her go so easy? i wish there is miracle that can make her real, i know that wont happen. everytime when i think of reality, i feel very very sad coz she is just an imaginary person in real life, ppl will think im crazy to hv this 'spirit' with me, i also cannot prove her existance to others. this sometimes make my happiness slowly turn into hurt when i think of reality. i dun like reality, coz that makes me hurt a lot... T_T
the only thing i can do is make her wish come true, which is find a real and true love. if can, i wish i can found a girl that very similiar to her, until now i hvnt found anyone like her, i know the chance is very low but i wont giv up finding.
even if i found the one i love, i dun think she will accept an otaku like me. no girl will fall in love with an otaku... so i wonder if i should throw away all my things that make me an otaku and stop being otaku? haiz... dunno how...
now i not need worry about this, coz i hvnt found anyone i like, somemore i cannot love anyone yet coz i stil learning how to love myself. i wil never stop improving myself, i promise her and myself^^
oh! its 10pm already! time to feed Tekun cats. me and alice going to sayang cats now. meow~^^
yesterday hv too much fun! we all really enjoy alot! so fun that wish that this will be endless.
went back home at about 1.30am, so tired. i felt surprised when my mom gave me an ang pow! it was not from my parents, but from my father's 3rd big sister. when i open it, OMG! i felt very happy to c RM**** inside it! every year she sure giv this amount^^ not only that ang pow, yesterday my father's 2nd big sister also came visit with her son. brought so many kuih kak pek and other CNY snacks! she gave me and my brother RM550, obviously i was not there coz went out crazy with friends. my mom said that amount of money is not ang pow, is only for buying CNY cloths. that means CNY i will get another ang pow loh! yessss! soooooo happy^^
actually today what i wan to write is not this, but dun hv time to wite about it now, coz wan go out with parents buy CNY cloths, tonihgt stil hv report and quiz to study, but i wil sure spent time to write what i really wan to write for today in this blog, so guys remember keep checking my blog^^
haiz... its another day...another meaningless day to go on...
recently life just go on normally... all the problems between friends solve already, and this time got improve a lot with friends, thats really make me happy alot^^
many things happen in my group of friends, happy, sad, scare, everything...
no matter what happen, we r having fun each other.
last sem lay see introduce a girl from her hometown to me when i was feeling down. lay see say this girl hv same thought as me, that is wish to be die soon. i never aspect lay see tell someone else that i think like that, so geng.
this girl told me she wan die coz the person she love hv gf d. that guy never be her bf, he just know that she love him. i stil remember she told me that the guy is in usm also, she say he angry her dunno wat reason, i think is that she keep nagging with him too much until he angry gua, not sure... she told me she feel really reaally extreamly down coz missing the guy, she cannot eat well sleep well study well coz of thinking about the guy. i told her to slowly let go, but she say cannot do that, all in her mind is the guy only, and she say she sick of missing him and wan to die. i tried to help her that time to calm herself by teaching her how i did when i experience b4, she just follow what i say but the 2nd day she say she fail to do it, then i got nothing to say...
stil remember got one time after her exam she say she did badly. that time she told me her life become worse and worse. as a guy, i did try to help her, but i thik she never listen also, everytime online she sure nagging with me, saying her life really bad, she feel really down, her friend dun wan friend with her, she feel lonely, and so on.... she wite lots of words until i tak sempat read what she write, and every problem she say will end with ''what should i do''. i somehow feel tired reading what she say, somehow i feel anoying and lazy reply what she say,
then she will keep ask ''r u there'' ''what r u doing'' ''u stil alive?'' then the sound of the msn make me feel 'pek cik'. there is nothing i can do except reply her loh, then she wil never end her conversation unitl i say i hv to sleep. even if i say that she sure ask y i sleep so early and 2moro doing what hv to wake up so early. and sometimes when i slow reply her she wil ask is it that i dun like chat with her and she wan me answer honestly, and she say i know what u think coz i can read your mind! of course i wont answer honestly, so i say i bz somethig else, then she will say ''y everyone one so bz, y everyone must leave me like this...'' WTH, it is not that i wan leave u, it is not that i dun wan talk to u, it is the problem that start until end of the conversation she just keep asking solution for her problems. i hv already help her many times, but it seems my way cannot help her, so i ask her to find other ppl help her, but she say others wont help her, and continue nagging again...
hiaz... she should learn how to improve herself. i hv already help her a lot, she must sometimes not depend too much on others. and dun always ask about what i doing and what i thinking, like wan know everything about me. everything i told her like a lie to her. like now im writting this also she stil keep flooding the msn. i told her im bz she dun believ, i told her this time is not the right time to chat she answer that i always lie her. HELLO! im not lying to u! i really BZ! im not like u always free. dunno how long that i hv to stand this... feel bad to block her also... dunno what should i do... hiaz... just need a break!
arrrhhhh~~~!
so bz for the passed week! barely hv time to study coz hving fun!
the japan festival was too cool! yet so tired...
i knew a lot ppl during the festival, since coming in USM until now no girl ever approach me for number until that day. i just knew a girl from management school recently, she approach me and talk to me frequently during the week, and she ask for my number. this never happen to me since im in USM. i din know what i was doing and finally gave her the number, nothing happen until she ask me out for dinner on saturday, what i did was refuse her offer, coz im at home on saturday. i dunno next time what should i do if she ask me out again, im not used to approach a girl like that again.
these days i keep improving myself...
learning the mistakes i hv made, changing to better side, opening my mind, changing the ways i think, trying to accept how ppl think, trying to mix with ppl more often, changing my looks, and so on... wish to be different than b4, wish to be happy always :D
i look so yeng like this
so hot! so hot!!!
i look sooo beautiful to act like this.
happy three friends~
i know ppl will say this pic looks very gay...
usm cosplayers
very cool fashion show, wish to be like one of them~
