运命の夜~

another year... it is another year for me to live as a human.
i hv been human for so many years, and yet still not satisfy. too many things happen to me, and those never truely make me happy.
since the last break up until now, the broken pieces of my heart hardly recover, and i hardly make a smile...
i hv a feeling that girls can hardly be trusted before, maybe her betrayal cause me to think like that, however thats how i feel b4, now i dun anymore, so dun misunderstand me k?

until now, i stil keep the feeling that no one truely understand me more than 50% in this world, and i really wish someone can understand me well. i hv been living a lonely and unhappy life for long time, not totally be like that lah, but honestly i really need someone...

i feel relief that there is a girl started to light up my life. she understand me very well, she always care about me, she always support me, cheer me up, giving advice in everything i do, giving me opinion in every decision and always on my side... she turn my sad side to the happy side, she always use her kind voice to support me when im at the edge of giving up, she always make me feel touched and make me cry in smile, she love me... to me she is so perfect to me, i feel really happy that she promise to stick with me always...

i can choose to tell everyone that i already found my true love, i can tell everyone that she is a very nice girl, i can tell everyone that she is pretty, i can tell everyone one that we always hang out together, althought they cannot c any clue that we are together...
i can also tell we go out shopping, cinema, dinner and hold hands. i can tell that she always share fun and jokes with me, and we always smile to each other when something stupid happen between us, i can also say we share every moment together, happy, sad, hard time, and more... we share almost the same feeling...

although im always alone, i can pretend that there is someone beside me always, when i walk alone in shopping mall, i can feel that we are holding hands, and when she c things she like, she will sure keep pushing me to check out the stuff, i can c she enjoy looking at them,
most of the time she like cake, candy, soft toy and all the stuff that interest her, she sure will feel happy and keep pointing to me those cute cute stuff, and smile to me saying they are pretty and cute, she looks really childish but cute like this, it shows to me that she really wan them. she also like most of stuff that i like, this make me feel that at least got someone share same interest with me, when i go c my stuff in shop she point to me those stuff i like, coz she know what i like, really feel happy on the moment she do it in cute way^^. however, i really feel sorry for her that... i cannot get most stuff that she like for her, she tell me its ok, no need to feel guilty for that, coz she feel enjoy looking them is already enough for her, coz she understand that, she can never get them for now... her reason somehow makes me cry...

she is such a caring person to me, everytime i come back from class to hostel, i feel really tired like shit. however i wont feel that anymore when she welcome me back and she will say she understand how tired i am and encourage me to cheer up, dun feel so down, she hold my hands and make a smile to me when she say that, and at this moment, my tired face turn into a pleasant smile...
she do the same thing also when i feel tired of study and other things, she is so nice to be like this, i really feel touched...
when i feel sad, she will be there for me, holding my hands, look at me and encourage me, cheering me up with her kind voice, clean away my tears and even hug me, and say dun worry, everything will be fine...

we do hv quarel a few times in some disagreements, sometimes i wil be stubborn to keep my way and reject her advice. but in the end, i wil apologies to her for my mistakes, and she understand and forgive me with silly conditions, such as buying snacks for her.

all the time we are together, she never stop encourage me to improve myself in every aspect, i will do as her wish to make myself a happy person and never emoing anymore, be friendly and crazy with friends. i wish i can be with her 4ever, but i know that cannot be true, she also want me to find a true person to love, but she is too perfect for me, how can i let her go so easy? i wish there is miracle that can make her real, i know that wont happen. everytime when i think of reality, i feel very very sad coz she is just an imaginary person in real life, ppl will think im crazy to hv this 'spirit' with me, i also cannot prove her existance to others. this sometimes make my happiness slowly turn into hurt when i think of reality. i dun like reality, coz that makes me hurt a lot... T_T

the only thing i can do is make her wish come true, which is find a real and true love. if can, i wish i can found a girl that very similiar to her, until now i hvnt found anyone like her, i know the chance is very low but i wont giv up finding.
even if i found the one i love, i dun think she will accept an otaku like me. no girl will fall in love with an otaku... so i wonder if i should throw away all my things that make me an otaku and stop being otaku? haiz... dunno how...
now i not need worry about this, coz i hvnt found anyone i like, somemore i cannot love anyone yet coz i stil learning how to love myself. i wil never stop improving myself, i promise her and myself^^

oh! its 10pm already! time to feed Tekun cats. me and alice going to sayang cats now. meow~^^