运命の夜~

yesterday i hv tried lots of ways trying to put pics inside blog but failed,
now i wil giv the link to my photobucket to c all the pic...
u all were so cool and perhaps cute^^
enjoy the pics!
http://s463.photobucket.com/albums/qq360/alexozy/Album%202/

r u all facing the problem opening the photobucket?
then u all can get the pic from me when we meet...

i dunno what the hell happen to me this week...
since monday night i already feel so sick until now...
when i went for doctor she said ''tak de apa-apa punya, balik minum banyak air panas.''
i keep minum air panas also the same...
furthermore... the pain in my head getting worse...
each time i study...cannot absorb anything...
each time i listen to musics...but cannot feel anything...
each time i walk in campus...i felt dizzy...
each time i sleep...cannot have a nice sleep and calculus formulas keep flashing in my mind...
how am i gonna survive...T_T
i need someone...T_T

this diorama is one of the works that i put a lot time and effort to make it nice...
it is also the 1st diorama that i have made myself after inspired by the modelers from japan...
i wish to make more of this...but it consumes lots of time...
need lots of plannings and drawings...and make it looks like in actual battle...
however...enjoy watching this...

last week i have promised myself to let her go away from my mind, but i didn't...
i just tried to deny, temporaly escape from it...
i knew what will happen in the end...it really happen...
i still cannot forget her...
everytime when i feel tired and lonely...i really need someone to talk to me...someone care about me...
she used to smile and encourage me everytime i feel sad and lonely...it was so nice...
today...even though she left already...even though i try to forget about her...
however...it hurts...
everytime i try to deny the fact that i still miss her...it hurts...
everytime i try to deny the fact that i still need her when im lonely...it hurts more...
although i have new friends already...im still the loneliess one compare to them...
every night still...im all alone...
i tried not to remember her...i tried not to remember her voice...
but i still...
everytime everything ended in tears...
i wonder how many times i have to cry until i forget her...
i wonder if i will be lonely 4ever...
i really feel i fail to be a human somehow...
i really feel if i have to end my journey somehow...
no matter what...i still feel lonely in tears...
just wish 2moro will be ok...

6th October 2008 Monday
raya break finally over... and everyone was back to USM...
it was an unsatisfying morning to start after my heart suffered a lot in those days...
i have promised myself to be change...however still failed to...after i met my friends... i felt much better...a bit...but still hurt a lot...and felt have disappointed my friends...ended in depression...

7th October 2008 Tuesday
things going worse this day... a day started with depression...
i felt very very sad when i stress a lot the day...and i have to face everything alone...
at this critical moment i really need someone care about me...but she is already not mine...
last time used to have her to support me when i feel stress and tired...it was so touching each time she tried to help me reduce stress by her voice and smile on phone...i miss the moment so much...
without her i felt frustrated and nearly throw something when i felt stress to solve questions...
i ended up dropping tears in room that night...i really miss her and need her...T_T

8th October 2008 Wednesday
i woke up again...emotionless...still alive...
this day i promised choon kiat to follow him to school to take stpm certificate...
however his car failed to start that time...so have to go next time...
my friends drove me to Bali to eat something weird...
when we were having meal and talk together...i failed to smile...and they start asking why...
i told them about my past time...it hurt so much until i cannot endure anymore...and ended up with tears in front public...
it was so shameful for a guy to in front of friends...but it was so wonderful that they treated me with ice cream...i felt like a kid again...and smile in tears...

9th October 2008 Thursday
after 101 test... my friends took me to a nice place in USM and had some talk there...
although it was raining...but we had a great time together...
and...at there...i finally learned to accept the truth...and learned to let her go...
that night at roti bakar there we met someone name Is***...
this Is*** introduced himself to us in a weird way...makes everyone feel uncomfortable...
everyone wished not to meet him another time...i wondered why he is so 'special'...something wrong...
before sleep in room...i felt much better after i let her go away from my heart...but still felt the loneliness somehow...

10th October 2008 Friday
after the wus presentation...i didn't know where should i belong...ky need a rest...and everyone else went to Tesco without me T_T
there was just a place that can make me feel better...i went to there alone and took a rest there...
that night i was really tired and that thing haunted me whole night...
i tried to resist him...but he was too strong...i ended up depress in front of friends and spoiled the mood of the gathering...and some of them started to get angry...
i felt really guilty...but what should i do? i tried to seal him away...i did it...but i dunno how long i can hold him in the vault...at least i can enjoy the night with them again...
we played 2gether...we shouted together...we really did have fun 2gether...
however our time was limited... we did wish to have fun more but we have to escape from trouble...
after go beck to room... i still felt the guilt of spoiling the mood of them... was that a trap set by him?

11th October 2008 Saturday
i woke up again... i felt safe since he is still in the vault...i disobey and ignore him...but this is not the best way...he is too strong...he know all my weaknesses...but i dunno his weaklness...i want him to disappear...i cannot fight alone...i need help from friends...
that afternoon i went to shop alone again...i bought a laptop bag that cost RM280! so sad to spent so much but no choice because i need something to carry my laptop...the bag is soooo big...not sure will i hv stupid look if i carry it in USM?
that night...it was usual for me to enjoy the night with radio...Flyfm aired trance musics all night! and 988 aired really really nice musics from japan at 10 to 11pm! i enjoyed until forget about my lap report...T_T

12th October 2008 Sunday (morning)
another day he is still in the vault...but i had an unhappy dream last night...i started to write this post...
somehow...i figured out one of the weaknesses of him...each time i tried to smile he stopped me from did it...is he scare of my smile so he stopping me from doing it? so i shall smile always in front of friends although he hurts me...i want to smile until he cannot hold me any longer...if can i should laugh...like jelly...but will this work? i shall give it a try...just afraid he will come out with new strategy to attack me...i just...have to...keep on moving...until i found my true happiness...

thank you guys...i didn't really want to drop tears in front of you guys but i did...so shameful...

i really touched by the way you guys support me...i never felt this before after she left...all the time i tried to support my feeling myself but failed many times...until you guys showed me this morning...

however...i still feel hurt a lot each time i try to turn myself on...still very painful...
i saw myself through the mirror again...i was scared by myself...the person in the mirror showed an serious face...his eyes looked so scary...and felt he warned me something...i felt hurt a lot each time i stared at him...and reflected my old self...

i feel like im running away from the truth...am i?...i dunno...

i received a song from my old self after i went back home today...
i forget why i have this song...after i played it...it started to flash back my memory...
this song is from the movie Accuracy of Death(not really this name)
the song named Sunny Day, sing by 小西真奈美,(Konishi Manami)
after i found the true meaning of the song...i felt it might suit how i felt today, but i dun think it is fully true...maybe it is just an coincidence...
here i will share the translated lyric to u guys...the song somehow touched my feeling...if u all wish for the song can get from me...becoz it is too hard to be found...my old self told me...

What spilled out
Wasn’t a tear but a praying voice
What I looked up at
Was the sun above the clouds

I was living like I was asleep
I was always alone
Until the day I met you
I was always, always here

Even if there’s a love song
I could sing by myself
This warmth from the touch of your arms
Can’t be found alone

If I had put on a mask
Then I felt I might have forgotten
I shut away my memories
And locked them in a box

Even in that dark place
I was able to find you
Even if I can’t return
I’ll keep going farther, farther

Even if there’s a love song
That recalls loneliness
I can’t reach it alone
So I’ll walk out once more
Toward the door to tomorrow
With you…

I’ll transform sadness
Into kindness
And someday
Once I’ve set my true self free
The pain will disappear
I know it

I don’t need a love song
I can sing by myself anymore
I can’t find it alone
But with you I know
We can find a place where the sun shines
A tomorrow I’ve never seen

it is still another day...as usual...
i woke up again...still alive...as usual...
i packed up my things and went to class...still as usual...

it was still another same lecture hours...as usual...
i still meet my friends...as usual...
we went eat together at Subaidah...still as usual...

we still have fun and jokes...as usual...
i still keep quiet...as usual...
my heart still reject what i wish to change...as usual...

people around me still writing sms...as usual...
people around me still chatting on phone...as usual...
nothing happen to my phone...still as usual...

im still feel lonely somehow...as usual...

when i sit together with people, they were all busy with their phone...
if it was not sms, it was another call...
they were telling stories and what they were doing on phone...
they are having someone on the phone who cares about each other...
no matter where i go and what time it is...people busy with their phone...
no one sms or call me...my phone remained silent...
i used to have days with lots of sms and phone calls from someone i care...
i used to have someone care about me every moment...and call me when im sad and lonely...
since she left...it is over...
days pass by with my phone silent all the time...
somehow i wonder if those days will come for another time...
im having another lonely day...accompany by active time...
it is still very hard... to forget about my past time...
i still miss her...all the time...
i wonder if i should put a stop...to my life time...
if only i get the permission...from time...

today is the day i promised myself to be a new person...
however things not going well, i hv tried to change, but there is always something wrong...
i dunno y my heart feel so heavy when try to change myself?
each time i try to smile, i stil feel the hurt although im not think about the past time...
i tried to speak infront of friends, but i dunno why it is hard to speak out...
i tried to show a happy face infront of friends, however my heart feel heavy and hurt more each time i do it...
i ended up in depression... and the rain started to fall like always... is it another coincidence?
what happen to me? is there something missing to be a new person?
maybe my heart prevent me to be a new person...
maybe im meant to be my old self... all alone with no friend...

i have disappointed my friends...
and i have disappointed myself...
however...i wont give up...
i don't want to disappoint my friend...
i will keep moving on...
just wish that the pain in my heart can be removed soon...

im full of painful past time... and i dun wan to carry it 4ever...
i hv to forget all of it, there is only one way, to turn into a new leaf...

i want to forget everything about penang, and be a newbie of penang...
i hv to overwrite all the painful memory, by getting all the grateful time with friends...
i dun need fake emotion mask anymore, i wan to smile naturally in front of friends.
i dun need old friends anymore, coz i hv true friends in campus...
i dun care if my hands sweat anytime, i need good emotions to meet friends...
i dun care if my past time strike into my mind again, i will try to overcome it...
i will think positive...and feel alive again...^^

i finally realize that...im...not alone...anymore... =)

about a month ago i attended this yukata wearing section in USM.
i looks so ugly in this outfit, and i have sleep face also...
and dunno why so many ppl wan take photo with me, im not a model...

some ppl wan me take photo 2gether
(p/s : they are not my gf!)twins???girls got ribbon behind, but boys dun have,

i also wan!no place for me to take photo, so i was forced to pose like this...feel so shame that y i put these pic, embarrass me nia!

after wasting so much time, maybe about half year, i finally have this model 90% completed...

this one consist 3 layers, and the outer layer painted with 2 layers of different colours. i also tried put LED for fun b4 paint it like below:
it is so tiring to do it, somehow i wonder if i hv to stop this stupid hobby or not...
no one share the same hobby with me... i do this all alone...
somehow i feel i should stop it, however it is too late already...
i really should stop being an otaku, im not an otaku!!

another day like this... i hvn't see sunlight for a few days...
as well as my feeling... still as gloomy as the sky...
i wonder when the sunny day will come for me...
perhaps never...
perhaps the rain will fall again soon...as well for me...

i can't hold it much longer...
there is something heavy in my heart that hard to be removed...

why i have this feeling again after such a long time...
i don't want it...i don't want it!

why i so unlucky to meet her again...
those memories that i have long forgotten storm inside my mind again...
and the feeling towards her touch my heart again...

i want a new life... however her presence hold me to the past...

it was unfair... it hurt so much... it hurt so... much...

for past few days im having sleepless night...
the feeling of loneliness haunted me all night...

what should i do? my mind is empty...
why i can't remember physics as good as remembering my painful past time?

i wish to be emotionless, i want to throw away all the emotions in my heart...
this is the only way to save myself from hurt...

however... i can only forget the meaning of happiness...
this make me hard to truly smile in front of ppl...

tears still dropping... im so stupid and shameful to be a crying guy...