运命の夜~

6th October 2008 Monday
raya break finally over... and everyone was back to USM...
it was an unsatisfying morning to start after my heart suffered a lot in those days...
i have promised myself to be change...however still failed to...after i met my friends... i felt much better...a bit...but still hurt a lot...and felt have disappointed my friends...ended in depression...

7th October 2008 Tuesday
things going worse this day... a day started with depression...
i felt very very sad when i stress a lot the day...and i have to face everything alone...
at this critical moment i really need someone care about me...but she is already not mine...
last time used to have her to support me when i feel stress and tired...it was so touching each time she tried to help me reduce stress by her voice and smile on phone...i miss the moment so much...
without her i felt frustrated and nearly throw something when i felt stress to solve questions...
i ended up dropping tears in room that night...i really miss her and need her...T_T

8th October 2008 Wednesday
i woke up again...emotionless...still alive...
this day i promised choon kiat to follow him to school to take stpm certificate...
however his car failed to start that time...so have to go next time...
my friends drove me to Bali to eat something weird...
when we were having meal and talk together...i failed to smile...and they start asking why...
i told them about my past time...it hurt so much until i cannot endure anymore...and ended up with tears in front public...
it was so shameful for a guy to in front of friends...but it was so wonderful that they treated me with ice cream...i felt like a kid again...and smile in tears...

9th October 2008 Thursday
after 101 test... my friends took me to a nice place in USM and had some talk there...
although it was raining...but we had a great time together...
and...at there...i finally learned to accept the truth...and learned to let her go...
that night at roti bakar there we met someone name Is***...
this Is*** introduced himself to us in a weird way...makes everyone feel uncomfortable...
everyone wished not to meet him another time...i wondered why he is so 'special'...something wrong...
before sleep in room...i felt much better after i let her go away from my heart...but still felt the loneliness somehow...

10th October 2008 Friday
after the wus presentation...i didn't know where should i belong...ky need a rest...and everyone else went to Tesco without me T_T
there was just a place that can make me feel better...i went to there alone and took a rest there...
that night i was really tired and that thing haunted me whole night...
i tried to resist him...but he was too strong...i ended up depress in front of friends and spoiled the mood of the gathering...and some of them started to get angry...
i felt really guilty...but what should i do? i tried to seal him away...i did it...but i dunno how long i can hold him in the vault...at least i can enjoy the night with them again...
we played 2gether...we shouted together...we really did have fun 2gether...
however our time was limited... we did wish to have fun more but we have to escape from trouble...
after go beck to room... i still felt the guilt of spoiling the mood of them... was that a trap set by him?

11th October 2008 Saturday
i woke up again... i felt safe since he is still in the vault...i disobey and ignore him...but this is not the best way...he is too strong...he know all my weaknesses...but i dunno his weaklness...i want him to disappear...i cannot fight alone...i need help from friends...
that afternoon i went to shop alone again...i bought a laptop bag that cost RM280! so sad to spent so much but no choice because i need something to carry my laptop...the bag is soooo big...not sure will i hv stupid look if i carry it in USM?
that night...it was usual for me to enjoy the night with radio...Flyfm aired trance musics all night! and 988 aired really really nice musics from japan at 10 to 11pm! i enjoyed until forget about my lap report...T_T

12th October 2008 Sunday (morning)
another day he is still in the vault...but i had an unhappy dream last night...i started to write this post...
somehow...i figured out one of the weaknesses of him...each time i tried to smile he stopped me from did it...is he scare of my smile so he stopping me from doing it? so i shall smile always in front of friends although he hurts me...i want to smile until he cannot hold me any longer...if can i should laugh...like jelly...but will this work? i shall give it a try...just afraid he will come out with new strategy to attack me...i just...have to...keep on moving...until i found my true happiness...